my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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