the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
