Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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