You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
