Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Who died my cat blue again?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
