when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
