i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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