Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
