He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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