So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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