i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
