I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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