Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize