Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
