She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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