The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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