Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was CRYING into my vagina
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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