Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
