I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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