Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
