I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
