so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
