How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
