hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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