I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
