Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
