she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
