If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
