I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
