period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
