Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
