A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
