Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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