Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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