Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
