This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
