I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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