i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
