Sponge bath it is.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
