she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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