Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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