Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's shark week go big or go home
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
