Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We named our party play list daddy issues
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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