I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize