So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
