I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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