now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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