I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
