I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
