did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
