I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
