I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
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