The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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