You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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