do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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