Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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