we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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