The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
