Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
