Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I would fuck him just for his dog
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
