but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize