respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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